I've never shared this. Ever. To anyone. In both pictures I was absolutely starving....
These are 2 extremes of what I've walked through: both left me empty, depleted, depressed and anxious almost every single day.
Maybe you look at the first picture and think "You looked amazing!"
I was 97lbs, wearing a girl's size 14 jeans and I was eating just enough to push through 3 workouts a day and "saving my calories" for my weekend escape of partying. 1 calorie over my self imposed, EXTREME minimum and I was in a downward spiral: self hate on high.
"You're so lucky to be able to wear all the cute clothes!"
"I'd kill for your body."
My mind told me this was proof I was accepted, I fit in, I was worthy, I was valued: all things I desperately sought.
The second picture was the result of the abuse I put my body through + some of the hardest years our family has ever faced. I was 65lbs overweight when I stopped keeping track. I had hit a point where I was literally starving myself and my mind and body would no longer, COULD no longer, handle it. So I let go... and I gave up the "perfect facade" only to replace it with more self abusive behaviors. I covered my insecurities with more layers of me.... I was emotionally starving once again.
People left me alone.
"You'll never be good enough" my inner tapes told me again and again...
It wasn't until 4 years ago I actually met myself. I had to fix my mind before I fixed my shell. I had to find my worth before I let go of the hate. I had to find my power before I healed myself.
I get it. I get your fears, your insecurities, your self abusive thoughts. I get YOU. And I'm here to tell you it's time to let all that shit go and get to know yourself once and for all.